My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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