Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
