ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
