I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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