Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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