it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
