OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
