My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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