I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is her dick bigger than yours?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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