My sheets look like a crime scene.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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