She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
