Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
