I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
