I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize