Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I wish there were birth control emojis
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize