Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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