I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
