well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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