I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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