Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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