i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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