You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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