hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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