I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You were trust falling into bushes
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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