let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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