a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
