what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Randomize
