Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
