sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
