Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
