When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
