suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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