first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
This toilet bowl is my home.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
