My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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