So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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