Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize