considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
