You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
