Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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