omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
