fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
