4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
