in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
