New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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