I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
