Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
