Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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