I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize