sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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