drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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