He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
