I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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