Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
