those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
