you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
is it fun? or sober?
ok first of all what the fuck
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
