I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
