I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
