Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
